My general Internet persona is usually pretty cheerful, or at least, that’s how I try to present myself. I don’t usually post much on Facebook, even less on Twitter, and my main blog here is usually just me gushing about the books I love. It’s easy to be upbeat when talking about something you enjoy. Until I started this particular blog, I didn’t have a place where I could really be myself, not caring about how I was perceived, just laying down my life issues as they come. I don’t think anyone reads this anyway.
I’m really down right now. Part of it is seasonal depression. I don’t mind the winter too much, but when it is so cold and cloudy like it has been the past few days, it is physically draining. Which, of course, makes everything else harder to deal with. Couple that with just getting through the anniversary of my father’s death, and it’s just a sucky, sucky time of year. I know it will pass and that I’m probably through the worst of it, but still.
I’m also really, really worried about my kid. She is having a very tough time at school right now. Her grades have always been low, and I try not to put pressure on her (she has inherited my depression and anxiety yay), but she is dangerously close to not passing this year, which means she would be stuck for another year in the middle school that she hates instead of moving on to high school with her friends. It’s more than just teenage laziness. Something else is going on in there, something that she has less control over. She just doesn’t understand what she is being taught. I don’t know why. The next step, I think, is having her tested for learning disabilities, which I have been hesitant to do because I don’t necessarily want that label to stick with her the rest of her life, but at this point, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even know what that all entails. We’ve tried everything else. I’ve tried to help. She’s stayed after school with teachers to try and get help. We’ve had professional tutors hired to help. She sees two different therapists outside of school, not to mention the school counselor that has been trying to help us, and nothing seems to improve. Short of doing her work myself (which I admit, I have done a few times just to get teachers off her back and give her something to turn in), I don’t know what else to do. For her, school is nothing but a constant reprimand about how much of a failure she is, and doesn’t do anything to encourage the areas where she shines. It’s really frustrating.
When I get really overwhelmed, I isolate myself. It’s hard to talk about it with my loved ones because I blame myself for a lot of it and feel like they probably do too, even if they don’t want to say it out loud. It’s very hard to talk to my husband about this because I feel like there is no way possible he could relate. His son has always excelled in school, except for one moment in sixth grade where he just stopped doing work for some reason. He had to follow a very strict schedule to catch back up, but he was able to do the work easily enough. Even then, it was his mom who really took control of that situation, not my husband. She was the one who dealt with the school, dealt with the teachers, made the schedule and made sure it was enforced. Now, my stepson is excited about school, signing up for honors and AP classes with gusto. I know I shouldn’t compare the two kids – they are VERY different and have had very different upbringings – but it’s hard not to. I know my daughter does. She has told me that she is the screw up of the family, while my stepson is the good kid. I hate that she feels that way, but I can totally see where she gets that from. Just another issue that I don’t know how to handle.
Isolation. It’s comforting, in a way. Dealing with people can be overwhelming and stressful, even if they are people you know and like, but it also brings with it guilt. I used to be heavily involved in the local theater community, performing in several shows. I would always go see my friends in their productions, even if it was far away. One weekend, my mom and I went to see four shows in three different cities. This past month, I have missed seeing my friends in two different shows because the thought of being in that crowd, surrounded by people, even people I care about, sounds so exhausting. Despite that, I still see pictures of the friends I used to hang out with and wish I could be there with them. I feel so damn lonely, even living in a house full of people. I want more than anything to be able to lose myself in a show, to be on a stage performing and feeling that energy from the cast and crew. I can’t justify the time commitment, with all my daughter’s issues, and I can’t justify the physical pain I would be in because of my health issues. The last show I did right before Christmas nearly killed me. Before that, I hadn’t done a show since February 2018. It’s really hard having to give up the one thing in your life that made you feel good about yourself.
And even with all of this, I feel horrible about complaining. My problems are so much smaller compared to most people, but it’s really hard to see it that way when you are stuck in a vicious cycle of stress. I am grateful that my current job isn’t anywhere near as bad as the last one was. I have more time to breathe, plus I work with some awesome ladies. One less thing to worry about.
Anyway, I should probably stop this meandering ramble and get back to trying to be productive. If anyone does read this, thank you for listening.