Posted in Thoughts


My daughter and I are very different in many ways, and unfortunately for her, also quite the same. She has been having trouble at school for a while now. Her grades are in the toilet and she doesn’t want to keep up with anything. Even when I have tried to help her with homework (at times literally telling her the answers and having her write it down, just to get it finished and turned in), I still get met with open hostility towards it.

This is completely foreign to me. When I was in school, I was a raging perfectionist, often to my own detriment. Just giving up was never an option for my psyche. I don’t quite know how to handle this, but if she’s not careful, she will not pass this year. We’ve had enough issues with her school’s administration – staying there for an extra year would be disastrous, especially given her emotional state.

We’ve tried after school tutoring with her teachers, professional tutoring services, and nothing seems to work. She has been seen by psychologists and psychiatrists, as well as her primary doctors. Nothing seems to help.

I’m not necessarily looking for suggestions or advice (although I would welcome it at this point). I’m mostly just screaming into the void so that I can be as calm as possible at home.

Posted in Thoughts


Warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My daughter is learning a valuable lesson right now.

We found out last week that one of her friends committed suicide.  This was a young girl, not sure of her exact age, but she was in the 8th grade class at school. I’m guessing she was either 13 or 14. While she wasn’t a super close friend, this was someone who had been in my daughter’s art class for the past few years and they had fun joking around together a lot. My daughter is also very sensitive, very empathetic, so this is hitting her very hard.

It’s tough to watch. This is one of those situations as a parent where you wish you could take away their pain and suffering, but there really isn’t anything you can do to help, except let them know that you love them. We went to the funeral this weekend and, while it was very sad, it was also very uplifting seeing these young people come together and support each other. Lots of hugs. Lots of tears. But that’s healthy. That’s the way it should be when you lose someone.

This is the first time my daughter has ever lost someone she was close to.

There were some family members that have passed, but she was still a baby and doesn’t remember anything about them. This will be the first one that she remembers losing. This will stick with her for at least most, if not all, of her life. She has spent the past week staring at her phone, looking at pictures and videos of her friend, smiling and looking happy. No one saw this coming.

My daughter has had her own issues with depression and anxiety, including suicidal thoughts. The school knows this and has worked with her as much as they can, although they can only do so much with the resources they have. She has been going to two different counselors for a few years now, which has helped quite a bit, but there are still underlying thoughts and emotions that she has a difficult time controlling. I think part of why I have been having a hard time with this (including being in tears for two straight days, even though I have never met this particular friend) is because I can’t help but imagine what it would be like if this were my kid. It’s terrifying.

What I am hoping is that, as tragic as this has been, that it has also shown my daughter how something like this affects everyone around them. She will understand why I get so worried and scared when she goes through a bad phase. Part of me hates that I am taking a tragedy that belongs to another person, another family, and making it about us, but I think that is human nature. It’s how we process things. And really, it’s all we can do. Whatever pain brought this young girl to do this, I hope that she is at peace now. All we can do is remember her and learn from her experience.



Posted in Tarot

Message from the Universe: Reading for 1/12/19

Another Saturday, a more indepth spread. This time, I am using another basic four card spread called “Message from the Universe,” which can be found in the Shadowscapes book.

I didn’t have a specific intention with this one. Just want to know what the universe has to say to me.

Cards are arranged as follows:





ace of swordsCard #1: Ace of Swords. This card is haunting me lately! This is the third time it has shown up, so it must really have something to say to me. This position represents the body – how you care for it, honor it (or not).  This card represents beginnings and cutting away obstructions. I think I had mentioned previously that I had been trying a new diet and fitness program. I really fell off the wagon the end of last week. I had a lot of mental and emotional stress, and that just made everything worse about trying to keep with any sort of fitness. I think this card is now telling me that it is a new day, and next week is a new week, and I can always begin again. Get through the obstacles in my path and go.

judgmentCard #2: Judgment. Such a beautiful card! I absolutely love this. This position represents the heart – how you protect it, how you share your love with others, and emotions. This card is as it says (a judgment) but doing so as to bring a renewal, the “freshness of a new dawn.” In the heart position, I don’t think it has to do with how I love others, other than perhaps I need to show it more, but also how I show love to myself. I generally hate my self and definitely don’t treat myself right.

queen of pentaclesCard #3: Queen of Pentacles. The position of this card reflects the mind – the way you see and think about the world or the way you approach problems. I wish I approached problems like a Queen! She looks so wise and serene. I definitely don’t approach anything quite like that. This card represents a generousity and warmth of spirit, security in your position in life. It also has aspects of creative energy. I need to pour these aspects into my current mental state.

Seven of SwordsCard #4: Seven of Swords. The position of this card is directed at the spirit. The message from the universe directed towards it. Sort of an overall message to sum up the reading. I have had this card before as well. It represents a shirking of responsibility. Trying to elude what you need to do. Breeding pessimism. I think I was starting to give up on a lot of things this past week, especially towards the end of the week. I think this card is chiding me just a bit. This entire reading is telling me to get back to work, treat myself better, forgive myself, and don’t fall into despair. Pick yourself back up. Get back in the saddle. Pick your metaphor.

So that’s what I’ll do.

Posted in Tarot

Tarot Draw of the Day: 1/11/19

Today’s Daily Draw: Ace of Swords

ace of swordsThis is the first time this has happened. I pulled the same card as yesterday. And I did shuffle the deck several time and drew a card from the middle somewhere.

So let’s see. Taking into consideration events that happened yesterday (nothing major, but every day has something), it does seem like this is a time of new beginnings in my life. We had a meeting at work discussing how this is the best team they have ever had and they are ready to discuss making some changes and improvements to certain procedures. It really makes me feel like I am part of something there, which is nice. It does feel good to have a work family again, where everyone really does care about each other and wants everyone to pull together and succeed.

Still really tired, but the weekend is almost here. Plus, we might get some winter weather this weekend, so there is a chance I won’t be at work on Monday. More time to rest.

Posted in Tarot

Tarot Draw of the Day: 1/10/19

Today’s Daily Draw: Ace of Swords

ace of swordsWhat a powerful card! I love the swans and the butterflies, and the hilt and pommel of the sword is absolutely gorgeous. There has been a theme so far in my readings about trying to find your confidence and power, and this seems to go right along with that. I have been really struggling lately, especially with feeling overwhelmed and tired from the moment I get up in the morning. Not a good feeling at all. Cards like this make me want to continue to fight, make me feel like the fight is worth fighting.

Still can’t wait for that weekend though.

The artists’ interpretation is about beginnings, something that is beginning now. A funny card, since I had started all my New Year’s goals almost two weeks ago, but maybe it means not to get discouraged, because one can always begin AGAIN. There is strength, but there is also the purpose of swords – to cut away things. To “clear the obstructions that hide the truth.” That’s what I need to do. Cut through these doubts and fears and such so that they don’t hinder me any longer.

Posted in Tarot

Tarot Draw of the Day: 1/9/19

Today’s Daily Draw: Queen of Wands

queen of wandsI am feeling very discouraged right now. Or very overwhelmed. Or both. Both is probably the right answer. I’m also very tired and would love to have a day off, which is sad because I just came back from having days off through the holidays. But those days were full of people and plans and other distractions. I need a day off by myself. A chance to breathe without having people around asking for things.

This card is beautiful. Serene. The Queen is playing a harp made from the branches of a tree while other woodland animals sit in rapt attention. I wish I had that serenity right now, but I have no idea how to find it.

Back before the holidays, several months ago before everything went crazy, I had made a plan to go away for a weekend, just me. I had a reservation and everything at a small bed and breakfast up in the mountains. The main draw for me was that it had a balcony with a beautiful view, and also a fireplace. Due to my life imploding at the time, I had to cancel the trip. Maybe I need to try and reschedule it. Find that peace that only time in nature can bring.

The artists’ interpretation is that the Queen is confident in her power, knowing that the attention she is receiving is only her fair due. She is beautiful and alluring, but knows that these traits can be used for evil, which she guards against. I don’t really relate to this card as much today, so maybe it is something to aspire to instead. To be able to truly feel that confidence, to embrace it, and know that you deserve it. I’m a long way from that point, but maybe someday.

Posted in Tarot

Tarot Draw of the Day: 1/8/19

Today’s Daily Draw: Two of Wands

two of wandsThis card looks very introspective. Someone on a journey, looking out across the valley to where they are going, wondering what is ahead. Seeking, searching, not just outward, but inward as well.

I’ve been doing a lot of searching, as anyone who reads any of my blogs would know. I don’t know all the answers yet, but this card makes me feel like I might be able to find them at some point. It’s a long journey, but there is still hope. And that’s not nothing.

The artists’ interpretation says that this woman on the lion is a leader, surveying her kingdom and her people. She has stepped into her personal power and shows authority and courage. It is time to be bold, not just letting things happen, but taking initiative and making them happen.